No Mystery

It’s Halloween and I don’t feel any sense of mystery or anticipation.  We won’t get many children trick or treating on our street.  I don’t have any parties to go to.  The whole holiday is a bit of a blah.  What can I do to turn things around?

Point of View

It is so interesting to discover point of view.  For years I thought the whole world had the same point of view as me.  If I saw someone with a furrowed brow and a downturned mouth, I assumed that they were mad at me.  I might not know the person.  I probably didn’t do anything worthy of ire, but I assume “MAD at ME!”  Why I take blame and credit for every action of every person in my world is beyond me.  I guess it is a habit that I acquired as a baby, or maybe I came into the world with it.

I am just discovering, after 60 years of angst, that perhaps I don’t have anything to do with much.  The man over there with the scowl on his face - he’s just realized there is a rock in his shoe and he has to find a seat or bench to take it out.  He doesn’t care about me.  The baby with the smile and a giggle just saw a fly zip by her nose and has delight in all the world - not just me.  Fly - strange lady - it’s all the same.

When I was a young adult, I identified as a hippy.  I was of the generation that believed in peace, freedom, no wars, free love, experimentation in altered stated of conscientiousness, and generally finding ourselves.  Of course, we were a bit “in your face” as we tried to draw the line between ourselves and those older than us.  Us and Them.  Can’t trust anyone over 30.  If you’re not on the bus, you’ re off the bus.  For a time that professed acceptance and love for all mankind, in hindsight I think we were a bit ageist.  Imagine my shock when my children didn’t toe the lines I’ve drawn in life.  That they chose to do their own experimentation and try various paths in life has come as a shock to me.  After all, from my point of view - I’ve already decided the best ways - can’t they see it?

Business doesn't change much - no matter how much "e-stuff" and "i-stuff" there is.  You have a product, you find people who want to buy it.  The stuff in the middle is customer service and differentiation.  We are working on re-learning our business in this new place.  We are refining our crystal ball in terms of determining inventory - learning to walk the fine line between too little and too much. This is good. We will get better and do better for our customers.  This is how recessions are broken - one sale at a time, one customer at a time.

Oops - I forgot to write last night.  Will try to do better today.  I was so caught up in the baseball game and the Great Race (I confess I was channel flipping) - I forgot about writing an entry.  I do better today.

For almost 25 years we've operated our plant from spaced leased in San Francisco. For two years my family and I have been working on a big project - a fish plant.  We purchased the building, we arranged for the construction and we finally got our final permits to operate this week.  Today we put up our orders from the new place.  It was such a great feeling - we built it together.  I know we have a long way to go - but I'm proud of us.

Sleep - mine is messed up.  Having a regular schedule really helps to keep sleep regular and normal.  I don't have one of those right now.  I find I'm waking up about 11:30 - 12 pm and can't get back to sleep.  I really need a new schedule.  Life is just a bit topsy turvy right now.  This too will pass.

I think I need some popcorn books - the kind of books that are quick and easy to read.  I don't read romances, rather my popcorn is mystery books.  I was a big fan of spy novels, but haven't found any new authors.  Time to cruise the bookstore - my personal sleeping pill.  

Stuff - what is mine?

We fill out days with "stuff" - run here, do this and that; buy this and that.  At the end of the day, looking back, I wonder what I've accomplished.  I am trying to figure out exactly what is my purpose.  If anyone has any idea - I really need help figuring this out.  I'm not a great artist.  I do music enthusiastically, but not so that anyone else would want to listen.  I enjoy reading, but I'm not sure how that is a purpose.  Similarly, I like computers and technology, but I'm not a wiz.  

Help - what is my purpose????

A hint of cinnamon and vanilla

When I was young, I used to bake for my family - my birth family.  It was my favorite kind of cooking.  I would make bread and brownies and date nut bars and cookies.  Cookies were my favorite.  I had 4 or 5 different recipes that I would make regularly.  It was fun.  I made snicker doodles, and toll house and oatmeal and spice and apricot bars.  My favorite was oatmeal chocolate chip with walnuts.  I love the way the smell of warm cookies fills the house with the hint of cinnamon and vanilla.  Cookies baking makes a house a home.

Later in my life, I sole houses for a while.  One of the tips was to put some vanilla on a piece of foil and stick it in a warm oven.  It’s supposed to make the house smell like home.  I’d rather bake a real batch of cookies.  Fun and function and yum.

How high?

Once upon a time there was a little girl who wanted so much more.  If she had a lollypop, she wanted a day long sucker.  If she had one toy, she wanted the whole store.  The now was never enough.  

She thought that if she plotted and planned enough, she could “make things happen.”  And, often she could because no one cared as much as she did.  Social climbing?  Who cared.  But she did.  She spent so much time figuring out how to make other people do what she wanted, she forgot to enjoy it when she got it.  She never lived in the now.  She was never happy because she could never rest, she could never enjoy.  Her life was one treadmill trip of what other people think of me.  She never felt good enough because there might be that one person out there who was so important and might not think good of her.  

She kept building and building that house of cards.  It would shimmy and shake, but still she would build it higher.  When she had to take cards from her friends to buid it higher, she felt they didn’t deserve those cards - she could use them better - so with callous conscience, she took their cards.  When she needed more cards, she looked around and started taking them from her family.  After all, they didn’t need those cards - she could use them better.

Higher and higher those cards went - up to the sky.  She climbed and climbed and pretty soon no one could see her.  Pretty soon no one remembered her.

Let it be

Sometimes things happen to make me really mad.  I need to learn to just let it go.  That serenity prayer?  I think it was written for me.  I especially need the part about the wisdom to know the difference - God, please I am in great need of serenity.

My next life

When I find myself up against a wall of desire vs reality, I find that I earmark the desire for my next life.  I have a strong streak of responsibility.  When I make a promise, I do my very best to live up to the promise.  When I was younger, I used to say “when I grow up . . . “  but now people look at me oddly when I say that.  I’ve substituted the phrase “in my next life . . “  

In my next life, I’m going to travel around the world; I’m going to dance on tables - or at least around them; I’m going to sing in tune; I’m going to say what I think, not what I think people want to hear; I’m going to work to build a happy peaceful world where everyone is valued and cherished.  (don’t tell - but I think I might start to practice some of this stuff this time around - just so I’ll get it right - in my next life.)

Parents vs Grandparents

Well, I’m both.  In my mind, being a parent meant forming a little being into a person who has good character and will be a benefit to society.  I felt a very very strong compulsion to model what I thought was good behavior.  I worried over every deviation and tried to discern if it was something that might explode into a “problem.”  I was sure that my task was to “Raise” good people. It was/is my responsibility.

Being a grandparent, I don’t feel any of that responsibility.  I am compelled now to celebrate the individual in my grandchildren.  I don’t care about what they eat, what time they go to bed, or what letters are on their report cards.  I do care that they enjoy life.  I care that they feel loved.  I want them to explore the world and find it and themselves good.  I am a Gram that is a cheerleader for her grandkids and our world.

I love being a grandparent.  I’m not so enthusiastic about parenthood.  I wanted and love my children.  I think they are really nice people.  I wish I could be their Gram instead of their Mom - it sure would be a lot more fun!

P.S.  2, 4, 6, 8 who do we appreciate - Go Giants!!

When I was young, I was just me.  I was more honest in my interactions and reactions with the world.  I remember wanting a library card so that I could choose my own books.  It was my goal.  I worked so hard at learning to write my name and address so that I could fill out the application.  No one stood over me.  No one pushed or pulled or prodded.  It was just me and the library and a piece of paper.  After many tries, I finally was able to write the information so that the librarian could read it.  I was proud - not that I filled out the paper - but that I could pick out books.  I still remember the light slanting in through the high windows of the library down onto the floor between the stacks.  I sat on the floor riffling through the shelf weighting the merits of this book versus that.  I count that as a shinny bright memory bead on the necklace of my life.  I was four.

The world is wonderful - it's full of great people and fine places.  Today I got the chance to stroll down memory lane while enjoying the company and views of a wonderful old/new friend.  The weather was perfect.  Our city by the bay was warm, wonderful and magical.  I traveled down old streets where a young me grew up.  They were changed, but the same.  Today's bright penny was finding that friendship can be interrupted, but not lost.  

Remember the night before Christmas, or the day before your birthday when you know you're going to get a wonderful present, but you don't know what it is?  That's how I feel, that great sense of anticipation of something good.  Tomorrow I'm going to meet up with a friend from the past.  

Those were the days, my friend
We thought they'd never end
We'd sing and dance forever and a day
We'd live the life we choose
We'd fight and never lose
For we were young and sure to have our way
La la la la la la
La la la la la la

More lyrics: http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/m/mary_hopkin/#share

I don't like politics - if it means people bashing each other.  I just want to know what the issues are and where the individuals stand on the issues.  Bashing isn't necessary.

Living together is political.  A family is political.  It is about negotiating and influencing each other for the best outcomes for all.  Our large family - our country needs to be encouraged and the good highlighted.  We need strong support for our USA family. I want a president who is a cheerleader for all our citizens.  

Long days, I don't know how to fit in all I want to do.  I start in one direction and end up in a totally different place.  Up before dawn and out to the new plant to turn on the ice machine.  It doesn't work.  Figure I'm going to need to get the electrician out to fix it.  Back to move my computer and files.  Back to the plant to wait and work. 

Ice machine fixed about 3 pm, but new problem found - a bulge in the ceiling - ?????? contractor comes and figures the potential cause and solution. . . wait and see.  Home and find that the trees were trimmed way more than I expected.  It kind of feels like a woman with a too short skirt.  Can't paste the branches back.  

Dinner - nice petrale sole - the benefit of the business.  Back to the plant to turn off the ice machines - fill the van with gas - high high prices.  Back to check the orders and do more paperwork.  Now it's 8pm and I'm just trying to write something and all I can do is a recap of the day.  

what came first?

When I notice that my life feels unmanageable because I don’t have a schedule, I wonder which came first the schedule and then I learned to love it - or I needed structure and so I invented my own schedule.  In fact, in most of life, which came first the need or the means to satisfy the need.  

There are all kinds of needs.  I’m noticing that as I age, my needs are less about building things and more about discovering things.  I feel a need to understand myself better.  I feel a need to understand what builds communities.  Am I following an age old schedule?

A promise is a promise

It's been a full day - up at 12:30 am to go to work, catch a quick nap for an hour and then go help my mom with her bills and finances.  Home again, home again - and finally time to relax - WHEN I remembered my promise to myself to write daily.

It's only a short note to say "I remember and honor my promise - to me" but I do feel happy that I'm trying.  I guess that's what "one day at a time" really means.

Schedules

It's funny how we think that having no schedule frees us up and gives us more time. I've been finding that without a schedule, I'm floundering and not getting things done. I spin my wheels and don't have a direction. At the end of the day I have a list of things I should have done, but during the day, I can't hardly think of what I should be doing next.

We are in the process of changing where and how we work. This is a HUGE change and I feel so a drift. I realize that I need a schedule. Schedules actually create freedom. One of the things I'm going to put on my schedule is time to write daily.